A life not forgotten

Just past the sign for County Road 1701, going north on Highway 29, there is a pink wooden cross on the east side of the road. It glitters and glistens in the sunlight. The name “Mandi” is meticulously and carefully penned across the top.

Perhaps twenty paces to the north there is an ornate metal cross with no identifying features. I wonder if this was placed for Mandi as well.

I drive this road everyday on my way to work. Seeing Mandi’s cross has become just as much a part of my day as seeing the sun rise or kissing the kids goodbye as I leave for the day.

I often think about her life. I wonder if her eyes twinkled when she smiled and what her laugh sounded like. Did she have a passion for life? Did she imagine what she wanted her life to look like and have dreams yet unfulfilled?

I wonder, being a bit nosy as I am, if she was a child. I wonder if she had time to be frightened. I wonder if she felt pain.

I’ve never met Mandi. I do know a few things about her though.

She was someone’s daughter. She was loved so passionately and completely that someone has placed a monument to signify that yes, she was here, she was alive and she made her mark on the world. She will never be forgotten.

In this life so many of us are disposable it seems. Sometimes we make choices we regret. Sometimes we pay dearly for those choices. I believe our spirits both rejoice and weep as we wind our way through this journey of life. I believe our soul lives on.

Mandi’s spirit is alive and palpable. I’m quite confident that as she has become a part of my life, there are also others she has connected with. I wonder what her message is for them. I recognize everyday what she’s trying to teach me.

I wish her peace. I pray that she has been welcomed into the fullness of paradise and is at perfect rest.

We are enriched by those who touch our lives. There’s always more then we can see in each other. All we see is the shell. I long to see what’s underneath. It might not always be pretty but it will always be real.

I haven’t written to you for a long while, a year now. Lots of ups and downs, relocation, new job, getting older as the minutes roll by, but then aren’t we all?

I’ll share some stories of this journey of mine with you.

Be well!

Happy Birthday Dad (a remembrance from 2014)


November 7, 2017

Happy Birthday Dad,
I’m thinking of you and missing you more than usual today.
It’s so strange. You’ve been gone longer than I knew you.
But you’ve never left me, and the picture of me I placed in your breast pocket
the day they lowered you to your eternal rest will be with you for always and forever.
We’ll be together always.

I went to the old home place a few years ago and the trees you planted are majestic, tall and towering over the entire yard. I took some acorns home with me to keep the family line going.
When Edwin was the last, so many of the cousins gathered for his 96th birthday party.
He was still sharp as a tack, telling stories of how they dared you to lick the pump handle in winter and your tongue stuck.
He remembers how much trouble the brothers got into when they lowered you into the well in a bucket.
But it was well worth it he said.
He told us how gracious and wonderful my grandmother, your Mother was.
Oh, she loved to talk on the phone when it was new and how she loved to take her children on picnics.
Did you know she was your protector from the wrath of your father? She gave you her limitless love and was your protector for seven years, until she was called home. But then you had Aunt Freida, who loved you in her place.
Uncle Edwin said you were the fearless and curious one. The exchange for not reporting your infractions to your Father was that you did their chores. Edwin laughed at that and said you were pretty busy.
There are several things I have wanted to say to you.
I’m sorry I lied about so many things. In retrospect they had little bearing on who I am today but what you believed about me was important, now more than ever.

I’m sorry I lit my bed spread on fire when I was old enough to know better.
It was the only time in my memory you disciplined me to the extreme.
I should have thanked you. I believe, looking back, you were the catalyst for my heartfelt belief that life was hard enough without having harshness instead of love in the home. Your grandchildren said I was too soft. In spite of me they became wonderful people and I am rich beyond measure with my blessings.
And finally, although there are so many things to tell.
Yes, I was the one who repeatedly stole the “For Sale”sign in front of the house,
but I could not imagine never returning to the only home I’d ever known.

And now that it’s mostly here and done, this life,
Thank you for taking me out to see the corn fields on Sundays.
Thank you for the gift of music.
I still see you directing Mitch Miller and the Gang from your chair when you mostly couldn’t walk anymore.
Thank you for the gift of family, a generous proud family that would band together to provide for a brother when he could no longer care for himself or his family.
Thank you for instilling in me Hunzeker family values that are the part of my soul that grounds me and informs every conscious decision.
You were a hard act to follow.
But you taught me through tradition and example, showed me the stuff of which families are made.
I spent most of my adult life in San Francisco.
It treated me well and I prospered.
This is where I raised my children, mostly alone but within a circle of friends. Without them I would not have been successful.
I wish you had known your grand children, my children.
Emily is a bright light, a wonderful mother.
She brightens the world on a daily basis and wears her beliefs on her sleeve.
Casey, he’s the one most like me. He’s an awesome musician with a tender heart. He is a chef extraordinaire.
He carries a picture of you in your bomber jacket.
And Grace. She’s taken the world by storm.
Every day of her life, there is nothing she can’t accomplish.
You have 4 great-grandchildren now. They are growing in knowledge and spirit. I moved to Virginia to be a part of their lives, as you did for your Tiffy and Chris.
All of these children make my life complete.
You would be so proud.
101 today. I can’t imagine you as an old man.
I wish you had been granted that privilege but you were called as a young man.
There is so much more I want to tell you but life calls.
Tell Mom hi and I miss her sorely.  She’s been gone nearly 19 years now and I have never grown accustomed to being an orphan.
I try to spend more time with Mike and Jo now. I love the pleasure of their company.
Know that I miss you and I am lonely for you.
Before we know it, in the blink of an eye, I will be sitting beside you and we’ll have a real chat. Make up for lost time, you know.
Like I always say, spread your wings and soar proudly.
See you soon.
Your Kathleen Ann




A family affair

We caught another mouse today.

Of all the life lessons my mother passed on to me, this is the one foremost in my mind, always:

“If you get mice, there’s never just one and life as you know it is over.”

There are several subsets to this rule:

  1. Do not make eye contact with them.
  2. Run away as fast as you can.. you are not capable of dealing with this.
  3. Stay in a hotel, better yet a Bed and Breakfast, until the problem no longer exists.

Now, this is what she taught me. This is what I believe.

This is number one on the list of my inadequacies, things I am not capable of.

My daughter, who has been living in the house, told me there have been several mice over the years. She says no one had to vacate the premises and everyone is alive and well.

I wanted to move home. I needed to be proactive about this issue.

I wrote to my pest control company of ten years: “Seems to me I keep paying you but mice continue to make themselves at home in my kitchen and pantry. I want Gus-Gus and all of his friends out, forever. Now.  Chop-chop. Finitus. This is a requirement of any further professional relationship we may have.”

I was confident there would be no problem by the time of my homecoming.

Shortly after my return, I told my daughter how I had taken the bull by the horns and sternly dealt with the pest control people. I was waiting to be assured there was no longer an issue.

Well, actually…

My daughter was distraught. “Why did you do that? This house is 120 years old. It has a dirt cellar. Of course we’re going to get mice every now and again!”

“This is unacceptable. We should not have mice. They make me throw up. I cannot be in a house with them. The pest control people need to do what I’m paying them for.”

“And who do you think you can find to do any better?”

“Well, I read about a place in New Jersey, I believe, that puts this material down that the vermin walk in. Then they can see with a black light where they get in and track them. Then they solve the problem.”

“So you think you can afford to bring someone down from Jersey because of a mouse?  Really?”

“I know I can’t. What am I gonna do?”

“You’re going to learn to deal with it.”

“I don’t think I can. I don’t.”

She just glared at me.

OMG. I’m going to need therapy. I wish I could talk to, well, anyone that could possibly advance me some funds for a hotel…. Not gonna happen.

What am I doing here???

This is what I am doing here:

the kids

The picture is a bit dated, but you get the picture.

I had made a list of what matters to me in life. I was surprised the list was quite lengthy as I always describe myself as rather Eeyore-like although the black clouds can dissipate very quickly on command. Can Eeyore scatter the clouds at will I wondered?

At the top of the list was family. I missed my grand babies. I wanted to watch them grow. I wanted to go to the school functions and bake for them. I wanted to hold them when they cried and share their laughter.

I want them to remember me.

One day shortly before I handed in my retirement papers, I had an experience with one of my patients. His sudden onset stomach ache turned into inoperable liver cancer. He was given two months to live. That fast.

It can happen in the blink of an eye. We are not promised a tomorrow. No one is. I wanted to be with my babies.

I look around at the Kool-Aid splashed on the white baseboards, all the Lego pieces scattered across the carpet, the stains on my dining room chairs. I look into the kitchen that I am afraid to enter because of rodent phobia.  I hear my smallest Grandson say “Can I play Subway Surfy on your first tablet (as opposed to my second)?” His smile is bright enough to chase even the darkest clouds away.

I am exactly where I want to be. Somehow, I will learn to confront, perhaps even embrace, the unpleasantries of life.

I read once that mice are one DNA strand away from us, that they are our cousins. Even the relatives that come for a visit leave at some point.

It’s just a family affair.

Please tell him his brother will be Alex who is a very kind boy



I’ve found a new hero.

Someone with purity of heart. Someone who has retained his innocence. You see, he hasn’t yet had time to learn the cruel lessons that life bestows on us with time. That’s not to say he hasn’t witnessed them, they just have not become ingrained in him. He practices the Thumper principle to the nth degree: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.” He’s not yet afraid to communicate what’s in  his soul for fear of mockery. Oh, if it could always be so.

Pete Souza is a photojournalist by trade. He served as Chief Official White House Photographer for President Barack Obama. He’s seen it all to the point of 20K photos per week. In 2011, he was included on the list of  Washington’s Most-Powerful, Least-Important People.

Pete’s Instagram post of 2 days ago was indeed powerful and extremely important. I can feel the beginning of a flame ready to ignite my spirit, just a flicker now, but it’s a start.

The turmoil in my soul from the events of the last two weeks has left me burdened, emotionally bankrupt. I’m in anguish over how we have systematically determined who is worthy to be amongst us. In doing so, we are measuring the value of a human life.
Building walls, exclusion by, could it be, race and religion? I have to agree with those much more scholarly than I.  These actions are reminiscent of the 1939 rumblings of German politics and, a few years later, the Warsaw Ghetto.

I’ll say it again. What affects one of us affects all of us. Then comes Pete’s post. Let me copy it for you here:

Remember Alex, the six-year-old boy who wrote President Obama a letter about the Syrian boy photographed in the ambulance. Alex visited the Oval Office with his family the day after the election.

“Dear President Obama, Remember the boy who was picked up by the ambulance in Syria? Can you please go get him and bring him to [my home]? Park in the driveway or on the street and we will be waiting for you guys with flags, flowers, and balloons. We will give him a family and he will be our brother. Catherine, my little sister, will be collecting butterflies and fireflies for him. In my school, I have a friend from Syria, Omar, and I will introduce him to Omar. We can all play together. We can invite him to birthday parties and he will teach us another language. We can teach him English too, just like my friend Aoto from Japan. Please tell him that his brother will be Alex who is a very kind boy, just like him. Since he won’t bring toys and doesn’t have toys Catherine will share her big blue stripy white bunny. And I will share my bike and I will teach him how to ride it. I will teach him additions and subtractions in math. And he [can] smell Catherine’s lip gloss penguin which is green. She doesn’t let anyone touch it. Thank you very much! I can’t wait for you to come! ”     Alex 6 years old 

Yes, Alex is my hero. He holds close the values which I wish could be foremost in my mind always. He already at 6 years embodies the qualities of kindness our forefathers have taught us. He sees the good and not the bad, he is shining through example, he is paying forward the kindness that has been bestowed upon him. He is a gift.

Alex, may you continue to illuminate the world with your smile and courage. May you follow your heart always, follow your bliss. Remember your words are powerful, that your words and your actions can change the world.

Years ago, a good man said heartfelt words about his brother. I copy them now because they speak of your character as well:

“Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope. And crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”

“Some men see things as they are and say why. I dream things that never were and say why not.”

Thank you, Alex, for rekindling some hope in this old soul.

And eternal thanks to you, Pete, for spreading this message of hope and inspiration.

Here is Alex and his Syrian brother


Please follow Pete Souza here:

petesouza on Instagram

@PeteSouza on Twitter















All that goes wth Christmas…

Merry Christmas.I’m home sick today, nursing a cough and cold and what you see is the extent of my holiday decorating. I’m drinking guava juice out of a reindeer wine glass wondering where has the sparkle of the holiday gone? But we’ll get to that a little bit later. My assigned duties for tomorrow are much more important than those I had today, according to the powers that be, so I decided I should try to get well today . It seems Interventional Procedures are more beneficial than providing psychological support and teaching people coping skills to deal with their chronic pain conditions, so far be it from me to miss the opportunity to serve them in that capacity manana.

December is always a tough one for me. My mom died 18 years in early December and Christmas hasn’t seemed the same without the idea that she’s happy in her kitchen making kolaches and peppernuts and sugar cookies and all the delicacies I remember so fondly from my childhood. I think she is somewhere, though, with a smile on her face enjoying the same fine memories and hoping we will carry on those long held traditions that were practiced so many generations before us.

Casey is home with me now. And I’ve enjoyed very much having him here.

I miss Grace, she’s in Portland, but doing well. She sends me pictures of the gingerbread houses she makes and from her snowboard and snowshoe trips she takes with her friends. She is such a joy and I’m glad she’s living her life fully.

Emmy and Jason and the kids are in Virginia. They’ve put up the tree and I’ve sent all of the packages to be placed under them. I haven’t been with them now for 5 Christmases. I haven’t been able to watch the children’s smiling faces on Christmas morning. How I’ve missed that! I’ll be home soon though.

March 17th is the day I’ve set for my retirement. I don’t know what I really think about that. I’m still going to have to work every day for the rest of my life, I’m sure.  The nagging thought of being put out to pasture remains.

San Francisco has priced me out as it has so many others and I can’t survive here any longer. The people who built the city, the ones who lived and laughed and fought to make San Francisco what it historically has been, all of those people have been replaced with folks here to spend and make a buck. Money talks and if this new influx of San Francisco immigrants can raise the price of studio apartments to $2000 a month and one bedroom apartments to $4000/month, the rest of us are gonna have to play along and try to do the best we can.

I, for one, can’t do it. I probably would if I could but it’s no longer a possibility. The feeling of the city, the ambiance isn’t the same. Folks don’t know their neighbors much less help them. It’s a mass of strangers passing each other every day on sidewalks. A “Good Morning” is usually not reciprocated and everyone is just going their own way trying to survive.

A city of beauty San Francisco is, but I don’t see the joy. I don’t see a community of benevolence like the San Francisco of yore. I belong to the Star of the Sea Catholic Community, I have been poorly participating I hate to admit. My friends ask where I have been and I respond I’ve been around. It makes me think where have I been?

I’ve been holed up in my studio apartment is where I’ve been, too poor to go anywhere or do anything. I know I should have heeded the signs earlier but I wouldn’t accept failure.

I’ve been here, the City of my Dreams, for over four years now. I’m in credit card hell because of it. I’ve also experienced spectacular times. My trip to Israel last February is still deeply embedded in my soul. I would never have been able to do that if I hadn’t been here.

The truth is, I have everything I could ever want or need. I’ve got my health (mostly). I’ve had a career that has, and hopefully will continue to serve me well. I have my family, my grand babies. All I could ever want. But I sit here in this little room and I feel empty. I feel numb. I feel like I don’t feel, but I do. I feel a sense of remorse in not being able to leave on my own terms. I feel incompetent that I couldn’t handle my finances more proficiently, I feel, basically, a sense of failure. I’m at an age where it’s difficult to find work. No age discrimination? Already experienced it. Will I be able to find meaningful work and keep my Virginia house? Will I find friends there? Is this a new beginning or an end to a nightmare? All these thoughts are tumbling around in my head instead of looking to a beautiful time ahead, watching my grandchildren grow, planting a garden, fixing up the house, putting it in order. I have so much to look forward to.

Absolutely overwhelmed. Situational depression. I suspect I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way. Isn’t it strange that you might know deep in your soul what needs to happen but just can’t get there?

Looking inward is not the answer. It’s when we look out and see the beautiful world and participate in it as it goes round and round that we feel whole. It truly is not about the “I” but the “we”. What affects one of us affects all of us I truly believe. The self-imposed isolation we suffer when we become frightened is incapacitating. These things I know.

So I’m going to take a cold pill, get ready to go to mass and listen to Father Joseph’s words and reflect on how to lead my life. What do I value most? What do I want my life to look like? What do we hold dear above all else? Father Joseph will remind me.

Ah Father Joseph. I’ll miss him so. I believe we are friends. I think if you’re not friends with someone you wouldn’t get mad enough at them to spit. We’ve been there. I will think of him and all that he represents always. He’s taught me volumes. I know exactly what he’ll be doing. He will be struggling with his conscience and then doing what he believes is right. He always does. If he ever thinks of me, I think he would feel bewildered. My path has never been linear. I suspect it will never be. But I hope he would remember that my heart is kind and mostly pure and that I really do want world peace.

This season of the year is complex. It brings out the best in us and sometimes the parts of us we would rather not acknowledge. But I still believe that people are basically good. I, for one, need to concentrate on the good in the world and give thanks that He chose me to be a part of his masterpiece. Happy Birthday, God!

Merry Christmas everybody! Visiting with you has really lifted my spirits. This special time of year is to be shared, even the dismal times. I thank you for being a part of my life. God Bless You and God Bless America… we’re in dire need.

Thomas Hooker, Larger than life

Thomas —

“Who flew to and from the ocean every day, and spoke with birds, and he once woke to a cloud of butterflies kissing him — may he rest in peace.”


by C.W. Nevis, San Francisco Chronicle

Thomas Hooker flew to the ocean every day.

Actually, he couldn’t fly. And to be honest, he probably never made it to the ocean either. But the thought of it always made him happy.

These are sad times up and down Clement Street in the Richmond District. Hooker, known as Thomas to residents, was a constant, cheery presence in the neighborhood. He died in his sleep at his campsite on Oct. 27.

Homeless and living out of a shopping cart for over 20 years, Hooker slept outdoors on the greenbelt at Funston and Clement. In the morning he’d walk over to Ninth Avenue to spend the day talking to neighbors — and himself.

“With his wording and his vocabulary, you could tell he was very educated,” said Robert Schaezlein, who has a silversmith shop on Clement. “He had kind of a cool aura about him. But he was also completely cuckoo.”

This isn’t a story of a group of people getting together, making a plan and taking care of a sweet, addled homeless guy. It is more the story of Thomas, who won everyone over with kind thoughts, unquenchable optimism and a gift for mystic imagery.

Lea Grey Dimond has run Thidwick’s Books on Clement since 1999. She and Thomas met up every day because his campsite was nearby.

“He liked to sleep in late and come home early,” Dimond said. “You never knew what he was going to say, and you knew he had his troubles. But my criteria for doing the right thing is doing the best you can with what you’ve got. Thomas was doing that.”

The day after he died, Dimond put a sign in the window of the bookstore: “Thomas — who flew to and from the ocean every day, and spoke with birds, and he once woke to a cloud of butterflies kissing him — may he rest in peace.”

Residents have been sharing memories all week. On Monday, a memorial service will be held at the Star of the Sea Church at 7 p.m.

Among those attending will be Arnold Low, who met Thomas at services at Star of the Sea. Impressed by the homeless man’s knowledge of Scripture, he began slipping him a few dollars each day and providing food items that were soft enough that Thomas could eat them despite missing several teeth.

“At one point we joked that maybe we could add him to our income tax return as a dependent,” Low said. “He was very approachable, always a big smile.”

Low once hired Thomas to clear out a garden patch at his home. He did a nice job and even asked Low for some scissors to trim his unruly beard and dreadlocks. It was one of several times when it seemed he might be able to turn his life around, but mental confusion always pulled him back to the street.

“One time I was looking for him and couldn’t find him,” Low said. “He said he’d been on vacation to the beach. Other times he’d tell me he’d won the lottery, ‘So many millions,’ he said. ‘I will give you some.”

He was the most giving homeless person I’ve ever run across,” Schaezlein said. “I’d walk by and he’d say, ‘Hey, I’ve got a doughnut. Want a doughnut?’”

The news of Thomas’ passing first appeared in the Richmond District Blog and readers filled the comment section with encounters and stories. A woman named Patricia, who said she’d lived near Thomas’ street site for 15 years, recalled the day she offered him some BBQ pork buns.

“He wouldn’t accept them!” she wrote. “And insisted on giving me a dollar. I was mortified. I mean, what kind of person takes a dollar from a homeless guy? I tried to give it back, but he was having none of it.”

As you might expect, there were many attempts to get Thomas into housing. He declined those offers, just as he did when Dimond, and others, offered him a tent.

He had such severe claustrophobia he just could not have done it,” she said. “He could not go inside.”

And that is why Dimond says she was sad to hear that Thomas had died, but was comforted in how it happened.

“He just laid down and went to sleep,” she said. “I am so thankful. It is the best death Thomas could have had. If an ambulance had been called he would have been strapped down and confined.”

Dimond contacted the city to make sure someone would take responsibility for Thomas’ body. And, she says, they’ve hit on the perfect burial.

“Thomas will be cremated and ashes scattered at sea,” she said, “which is exactly what he would have wanted.”

Godspeed Thomas. One last flight out over the waves.



For Maggie

A fork in the road

The days are now passing quickly. An all too short summer is evolving into autumn. Leaves are starting to drop and every evening I crunch through them making my way home from the bus stop. I’m enjoying our annual Indian summer here in San Francisco. Most of the seasonal festivals have wrapped up. There’s still so much to enjoy before the predicted El Nino arrives.  In a few weeks time we will be celebrating Fleet Week, with the parade of ships through the Golden Gate, always sharing the spotlight with the Blue Angels. So majestic and always spectacular, reminding us that we too can dream and fly away.

My son, Casey, and I have always tried to celebrate his birthday in mid-September by boarding the Jeremiah
O’Brien, an old WW II vessel that hosts Brews on the Bay his birthday weekend every year. Good times. Casey has spread his wings…

View original post 1,172 more words

Postscript to Maggie

It’s been a year since I wrote about Maggie.
It’s been a year of promise with hope for healing, hope for returning to a “normal” life.
Now our hope has evolved into fear and despair as we grasp the true meaning of the circle of life.

Initially, after Maggie moved into the nursing home, my visits were frequent, 2-3 times per week as often as I could. We would enjoy talk of the days when our kids were little, all the silly things we had done and the fun times we’d experienced. She couldn’t wait to be able to be up and about so we could go to the casino once again. We frequently enjoyed dinner together, I would bring in whatever she was hungry for, but her appetite was not as voracious as I remembered. She just needs time, I would tell myself.
Visit after visit, over many months I witnessed no progress. For months at a time she had refused to get up in the chair, she wouldn’t advocate for herself to get the physical therapy she so desperately was in need of, actually the reason she had been placed at this facility.
She then refused to eat unless someone brought food in from the outside.
She had multiple complaints about how her household, which she still was fiscally responsible for was functioning, but refused to talk to the people involved.
Over the long run, she was physically deteriorating.
Basically, what I was witnessing was someone losing control of her environment and behaving as most people would.
Instead of feeling compassion and offering needed support, I became angry.
“Why won’t you try? I would say. ”You need to get well and go back to living a life of joy and purpose.
You need to get up in that chair and demand your PT. If you have pain, ask for your medication. It’s there for you.”
“I will, I will” she said but these things did not pass.

My visits got fewer and farther between. We would communicate electronically but that dwindled as well.
I visited her and brought dinner for her birthday in July. She slept a long while before noticing I was there.
Her CT scan showed progress she told me. Her hip hurt her so much but it was not metastasis. I asked what the Xray showed and she admitted there had been no Xray. “Then how do they know!!!” I asked loudly and most likely improperly. She did not answer. She did not eat much again that evening.
When I left, I kissed her and said I would be back soon but I left angry that there was no fight left, no willingness to try. I left feeling like these were conscious decisions.
I have not seen her since.

Today I received this text from our friend Bobby. “Just heard from Maggie’s son. She has been in ICU at UCSF. She had pneumonia, now her lung are full of fluid and the left lung has collapsed. They are moving her out today and making her comfortable until she passes. When I find out where they move her to, we should visit one last time.”

I immediately called Bobby. “What the hell” I’m yelling at him. “Those are fixable things. They can place a chest tube and get rid of the fluid. I cannot accept she is dying!!”
I had scared Bobby and he hung up. I was furious. I was furious at the disease, I was furious with Maggie that she did not fight it, but mostly I was angry that I had abandoned my friend, when she needed human connection the most.

I knew I was experiencing intense guilt over not being there, for not being the friend she deserved, for being so blind to the evidence and believing what I wanted to believe.
I’m a nurse.
I knew she had a metastatic spinal cord lesion. I had refused to admit the ramifications of this diagnosis. I knew her breast cancer was not in remission but believed things were improving. She had told me so.
I was angry at anybody and everybody associated with her care.
I, I, I….Me, me, me…
But this is not about me.
This is about a valiant woman who raised three sons single handedly against all odds while successfully holding down a career, caring for an ailing mother, orchestrating all family holiday festivities, she so loved to entertain. She had cared more for others than for herself.
During the last months, her many friends had rallied at her side.
I was, however, not one of them.

I will make my last visit and tell her how proud I am, have always been of her. I will acknowledge I have never forgotten her even though I was not by her side. I will tell her how she has touched my life in ways I cannot even describe.

I will remember her as a bright star in my universe and promise to see her soon. We will walk and talk together again.
I will say “Fly freely with the eagles and have the time of your life!”.
Then I will kiss her goodbye.

At what point I will deal with my own behavior, not taking note of how precious and short life is, how we are never promised another day, not being with her as a friend would be expected to be, I don’t know when I will address my sins of omission.
But I do know her memory will illuminate my path as I go forward in life for however many days I have left on this bright and beautiful earth.
I will remember what I was taught:
“Always give more than you take” and as I give back in return for my many blessings, I will see the twinkle in her eyes and that magnificent smile and know she is watching.

Where is that yellow brick road?

It’s been a cool and cloudy day today. The kids had school today so the house was quiet, at least until noon when Little returned from preschool.  He can’t remember doing anything today. He racks his brain, but nothing comes to mind.
We had the roof patched before Hurricane Matthew, but found 2 new leaks yesterday after the rains stopped. It’s an old tin roof and it does need attention. Things have a way of reminding you about that. We all need attention.
I actually slept in a bit today. I was up most of the night feeling quite agitated after watching the Presidential debate. Why I watched it I can’t say. I knew better. I was left with the same uneasiness and general malaise so many others have written about today. Mostly I feel embarrassed.  Horribly embarrassed for our country, and I’m terrified of what may come.
What has happened to the common courtesy with which we treat each other? How about the decision to agree to disagree? Mutual respect? Public niceties which were so important once upon a time? Please.
I am so thankful, so grateful Mom and Dad did not live to see this come to pass.
Enough said.
The days always pass so quickly when I’m here. The kids are growing, they have their own interests and activities now. There’s Scouts and band practice. Eva and Little still like to play. There’s still the occasional squabble of course, but most days things run like a well oiled machine.
I recall how I bought this house ten years ago next month. The twins were 6 months. I received  a good offer on my San Francisco house and I had fallen in love with this gigantic Victorian when I had spent a month here after the boys were born.
It was a lovely home. I could envision the sound of little feet on the floors and see happiness and Life (with a capital L) happening and thriving in this old house. This dwelling embodied love. It was meant to be I believed.
So we all moved in. There is nothing as beautiful as a house full of Life. I saw the first crawls, the first steps, I heard the first words. My life was coming full circle.
Over the next few years life continued to happen. My job layoff, taking a job in Saudi Arabia which was actually quite a lovely experience. Eva was born while I was gone. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on that little girl! So I returned, took a job that was offered and plugged away as long as I could. There came a time when I had to admit to myself that I was not fulfilled by my work. I needed a change but jobs in my specialty are few and far between. When a version of my previous job in San Francisco was advertised I applied. I thought and agonized and thought. What should I do? Little CJ was only 3 months old. Emmy needed help. Could I, should I leave the little ones again for job satisfaction ? Of course, things are not really so black and white, life is much more complex than “life just happening.”
I’ve been in San Francisco now four years, much longer than I intended.
I come back here now to visit and realize this is no longer my house, not really.
I see my things all around me but I’m not here to enjoy them. I’m not a part of the household. The tempo of the household is set by the people who really live and breathe here. Not me.

I try to keep busy while I’m here. I read, I write, I help with kitchen chores, I cook occasionally. I clean a bathroom or two—there are five of them. I fold laundry. I rearranged the linen closet today, folding the linens just so, with the seams all going to the right, all symmetrically stacked in order of size. It once again strikes me it’s no longer my linen closet. Just like this house, I own the outward structure, the skeleton, but the contents are enjoyed and loved by others who call this place home.

I will be able to take a slightly early retirement in two months if I choose. I’ve been thinking, obsessing really,  of coming back here to live. My dream has been to be here, to participate in that wonderful exciting Life, up front and center for the school programs, the ball games, to cheer the triumphs, laugh at all the ridiculousness and to wipe away the tears.
Emmy and Jason are thinking of moving. That’s absolutely the normal course of events. That’s what should happen. They’ve been holding the fort down in this old house while I’ve been gone. Jason has finished grad school. They, too, need to follow their bliss.
This house is too big for one person. Even in it’s loveliness I cannot imagine what I would do with myself in this monstrosity. There are a zillion things I’ve thought of redoing in this house. It could certainly use an overhaul.
This is my fear… the echoes of the children’s laughter and the memories of my family’s lives lived here, with or without me, would be present at every turn, every minute of every day.
The echoes and subsequent silence would eat away at my soul.
I’m left wondering, what shall I do? What would I like my life to look like? I think of how I want to concentrate my efforts, what kind of people I would like to surround myself with. Where do I want to settle? Where do I want my home?
I think of the stages of one’s life, especially a single parent as I was, how you start a career, raise your children, prepare them to leave the nest, applaud them as they do, finish your working days, then finally have time to do the things you’ve been waiting for, dreaming of your whole life. Of course there’s that small voice in my head that says “Oh my God, you’re going out to pasture.”
The thought of the next chapter of my life terrifies me almost as much as the thought of a President Trump does.
Sometimes I throw around these thoughts about home, about the what ifs in life with my friend Ron, whom I respect greatly.
Ron reminds me “I am home.”

“Come on, Ron” I say. ” That’s a line in a movie.”

“No” he says. “It’s true.”

Is there a yellow brick road? Is Oz just around the bend? Am I prepared for the journey?

Guess it’s time to buy some red tapping shoes, shine ’em up and ease on down, ease on down the road.

Home will be right there. I’ll count on it.